And who am
I?
These two
questions are the ones that have meant the most to me since early childhood. And,
they continue to be those I hold dearest in this "golden" season of
life as well. Because God is infinite
and mysterious there is always something more to learn about Him. And in
learning to know Him more, I seem to know myself more as well?
They say
hindsight is a great teacher, and I would agree to a point. However, the
greater
Teacher reveals things, including those from the past, that hold deeper truths than
when initially considered. I see now
that the many trials and sufferings in my life were also times of both
surrender and tremendous "growth."
Only now I also "see" there was a "call" on my life
from that early age. It was only
a vague
"sense", and even then only infrequently at most. Yet, it has reoccurred throughout my
life. Others have suggested what they
thought it might mean, I
have even
entertained several different avenues to pursue. But none of the suggestions or
my plans has ever come to fruition. Only
when I have reached that point again of total surrender has the next small step
been made clear, and have I experienced a deep abiding peace.
Now in my
60's, and a grandfather, have I reached what feels like a time of final
surrender? I
am content and have no fear of death, I have also taken to heart the verses of
Philippians 4:4-9, and attempt to live them out in my life daily. The
"call"
is clearer too. "Follow me. I will make my disciples and build my Church
as you do. You need only do two things;
love God and love others."
So, in this
season any notions of seminary have long since been cast aside. Ideas about "ministry"
have met a similar enigmatic fate. I
simply wake up each morning,
listen and
obey. My Lord and Savior has been
faithful to speak and guide throughout each day as I re-surrender and abide in
Him. Yes, it is still an intentional
daily act on my part, but it has become a rather habitual discipline, among
others.
To be sure,
I have had many mentors and spiritual guides (anam cara as I prefer to say) along
the way, and that it is what I hope to be for others in this season? I have studied much (understatement), though
outside of the usual structures of academia, and I continue to enjoy the
pursuit of knowledge, though "spiritual formation" and transformation
into a likeness of Christ is my goal.
I have also
finally found a "rule of life" for common daily living (regula vitae
communis). In words it is quite simple; "In humility be present." But
it implies (and reminds me) of a deeper, fuller life that incorporates all the "streams"
of the Christian life of following Jesus Christ. "In humility be present," is deeply
personal for me, it's as if God Himself, my Creator Who knows me best, gave me
His perfect "rule" for me as a gift?
In this
simple rule is imbedded all the beauty of a life immersed in contemplation,
holiness,
Spirit, compassion, Gospel and imitating Christ incarnate. But also in this
season, the
streams all seem to have flowed together into one great and beautiful river? The
river that flows from the throne of God?!
It is difficult to write of these things, and now too I understand what
the mystics were speaking and writing of when they expressed utter inadequacy
in accurately describing what they had or were experiencing. When the words, thoughts and language are not
ours, but God's, well, we cannot expect to do much can we?!
I have
gathered some things along the way; sort of like shells, stones, etc from a
walk on the beach? Three pieces (a holy trinity) of prose help me self-describe
what I'm trying to live each day; "A House by the Side of the Road",
"I Stand by
the
Door", and "Others May You Cannot". Those coupled with my own adaption from
Celtic Daily Prayer of my own personal daily "offices" and prayer seem
to do a good job of putting some meat on that simple rule?
Suffice to
say as Scripture says, "Now we see dimly, then we shall see face to
face." Until then, I will try to simply be present
in humility. I sense it is
enough?
}:- da Moose
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